Barack H. Obama 2012 State of the Union Drinking Game
By Raging Moderate, by Will Durst
What you need to play:
Four
taxpayers: One white, Wall Street type in full suit and yellow power
tie (MBA Guy); two ordinary folks sporting jeans, one in blue work
shirt, other in white shirt (the Jeans); and one person wearing clothes
that look like they were used for floor covering at a tire-changing shop
for a minimum of three months, with belt, shoelaces, socks and
underwear confiscated (Rags). Except for MBA Guy, game is non-gender or
race specific.
One large screen HDTV tuned to speech. 42-inch or larger. Game played behind coffee table three feet away.
One
regulation shot glass per person. Everybody brings own, placing it on
coffee table. MBA Guy gets first choice among assembled. White shirt
picks next, then blue shirt. MBA Guy takes last shot glass as well, and
Rags either rents it from him, finds a replacement or drinks out of own
cupped hands.
Everybody antes up 20 bucks. Cash. Except MBA Guy, who tosses in hand-made voucher. Preferably crayon.
Two packages Lit'l Smokies in bowl with favorite BBQ sauce.
One package round toothpicks.
One bottle small-batch Kentucky bourbon.
Two
six-packs beer apiece. Rags gets whatever is on sale, i.e. Heileman's
Old Style Ice Dry Light. MBA Guy gets choice of import. The Jeans get
domestic, and must go to store to purchase and carry provisions.
Rules of the game:
1.
As soon as president says "State of the Union is good, but could be
better," last person to eat three Lit'l Smokies on toothpicks has to
drink three shots of beer.
2. Every time Barack H. Obama says "compromise," first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking two shot glasses of beer.
3.
If either Vice President Biden or House Speaker Boehner gets caught
napping on camera, last person to sing "Wake Up, Little Susie" drinks
four shots of beer.
4. Whenever Mr. Obama says word "jobs,"
everybody drinks shot of beer. If he hits 10, throw used toothpicks at
TV and first to stick one within outline of his face doesn't have to
drink two shots of bourbon.
5. If Chief Executive winks and/or
points at Michelle, all four players blow kisses. Drink shot of beer for
every general's star sitting within two seats of First Lady.
6.
When Obama speaks about sacrifices made by our brave troops, last one to
leap to attention and salute must drink shots of beer for entire
duration of standing ovation.
7. Every time Barack uses phrase
"offshore banking accounts," clasp a Lit'l Smokie between the teeth and
swordfight others. Losers drink 3 shots of beer and eat sausages. Winner
can spit his out.
8. Whenever Obama makes reference to faith
getting him through tough times, last person to fall to knees and shout
"Hallelujah!" drinks shot of bourbon.
9. If president relates
touching heartfelt story of somebody denied health care, Rags gets to
kick everybody else once. Twice, if subject of anecdote is in audience.
Three times, if he/she is sitting next to astronaut
.
10. When Barack H. Obama mentions bipartisanship, last person to pretend to faint drinks three shots of beer.
Extras:
Before
speech, everyone writes down who they think is giving Republican
response. Anybody who correctly identifies person doesn't have to watch.
MBA Guy takes home all the money and the Jeans pay off voucher.
Leftover bourbon, beer and Lit'l Smokies go home with Rags after he/she washes dishes in front of TV.
The
New York Times says Emmy-nominated comedian and writer Will Durst "is
quite possibly the best political satirist working in the country
today." Check out the website: Redroom.com to buy his book or find out
more about upcoming stand-up performances. Or willdurst.com. Or don't.
Copyright ©2012, Will Durst, distributed by the Cagle Cartoons Inc. syndicate.
